I'm done. Period. Fuck sam, Fuck friends, fuck everyone. Everyone can just go drop dead for all I fucking care anymore. No one even gives a shit. My parents are fucking dumbasses and they don't help matters, and all the time, Sam's rubbing her girlfriend in my fucking face and I hate it. She didn't even give a shit when I started fucking crying in the middle of class. God, I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm about to give up. I don't want to go on anymore. What's the point of going on when everyone you know doesn't even give a fuck about you or what you care about. I want to be left alone, yet I want to be loved. Only Danielle managed to cheer me up today, but that was because she rubbed my back and held me close to her, and I love it when people do that to me when I'm depressed.

But other than that...I'm done. Fuck people. From now on..I'm on my own. I don't want to be around people any longer. So fuck. off.

It's a bitch...

I can't stop thinking about Sam. I love her, I need her, and I want to be with her. But...she doesn't want to be with me....she doesn't understand why she makes me so happy...she said that she shouldn't be the reason for my happiness...she can't see how I see her....beautiful. I meant every word that I ever said to Sam. When I told her that to me, she was the most beautiful girl in the school...I meant it. She still IS the most beautiful girl in the school. And she always will be to me. She was perfect...She always made me smile, she gave me a hand to hold. She gave me a shoulder to cuddle up and cry on. She calmed me down whenever I was pissed at my mom...she gave me a reason to kiss a woman and not be afraid of what others thought me as; a freak. And whenever I see her smile and laugh at her friends...god it kills me. I miss her laugh, I miss her smile, and I miss the feeling of knowing that someone actually wanted to be with me...more than a friend. I miss the feeling of being held, to cuddle up with her at night and just fall asleep holding hands. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and just staring down at her, not believing that for a moment, I was her girlfriend. That a girl like that would actually want to be with a stupid cunt like me.

I just..I'm at a loss. I want to stand beside her and put on a mask, tell her that I'll be alright when really I'm lying through my teeth...but at the same time I want to run away from her, never want to see her again and just go into a little nicotine enduced ball and cry my life away. But I can't do either. This morning, I couldn't even have her stand behind me...it hurt WAY too much...and I refused to go into Psychology...I went up to my step sister's room and tried not to cry...tried being the key word there. I lost my composure for about 5 minutes. And the fact that kills me the most is that she's putting on the biggest mask of them all...she says that she's sad about this too, and that she's sorry about the way things happened, but...I can't tell if she's lying or not. She was so soft voiced when she broke up with me...excuse me, after she broke up with me in a text message when I was sitting right beside her....and she's always so happy around her friends and when she's away from me...

I know we were only together for a few weeks. And she said a LOT of stuff about how she felt after we broke up. About how we were raised differently, and that we're from different lifestyles, and how people were never perfect, and that she wasn't good for me...well, I say bullshit. She doesn't see how she was to me. She WAS perfect in her own way. She treated me how I wanted to be treated. And as for the different part, well, life would be WAY too boring if we were the same. I mean, that would be like me dating myself. That's just a waste of time. I like to date someone different from me. That gives us both oppertunities to find some interests that we never thought that we had.

So Sam...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't let go. I'm sorry that I still love you. I'm sorry that your fear got in the way...but I was scared too. God, I was scared shitless when we were first going out. I was so afraid I would say something to make you hate me...I was afraid of a LOT of things...And I'm sorry that you're apologising for all of this...it wasn't your fault and I will NEVER blame you for it. I've had my heart broken so many times before...and I've NEVER blamed them. Ever. Because...each one of my ex's hold a very special place in my heart. And sam, you'll always have the biggest piece.

She broke up with me last night around 8 I think....and...well...I'm so fucking depressed...She broke up with me, because she said that she didn't want a relationship because she was dealing with shit...and she didn't want to lead me on...but yet...she picked me up..took me out shopping with her mom and her friend...and we hung out, hell I even stood to listen to her when she was high....and when we got to the party...that's when shit fell apart...She sent me texts...breaking up on me there...god, she didn't even have the nerve to tell me herself...I went outside...she followed...said that she was sorry, and I just cried...Right now, I'm trying not to cry myself. She had no emotion in her voice...it was just soft...she said that she still cared and always will...but...she didn't even care enough to try and make it work. GOD DAMN IT. I fucking hate this! Every fucking time I give my heart to a woman who makes me happy...they leave me....they fucking rip it out, eat it, and spit it out, walk all over it. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. This is the LAST. FUCKING. TIME. that I'll EVER give my heart to ANYONE. I'm SICK of relationSHITS. God...she made me so fucking happy! She wanted me and her to last, yet she fucking dumps me for NOTHING. I HATE THIS. No more...No fucking more...I'm just going to stick to my cigarettes. THEY won't betray me.

...Which is Math. Gah. I'm sitting here supposed to be on this stupid site called studyisland, and I'm bored out of my freaking mind. Good thing that I have this proxy, but I have a feeling that I'll have to enjoy it while it lasts. I'm just surprised that my proxy lasted overnight. I was sure that Reed was going to shut me down for good. Anyways, enough about math. Math bores me.

So, I was sitting at home last night and my lappy was getting overheated, so I decided to re-start it since my sound shut off. So, when I did, it refused to come back on. So, I figured that it was probably nothing, rebooted it, and then I pressed the "Start Windows Normally" Button. Nothing happened. It remained a black screen. So that's when I paniked because I've only had my lappy for a few months. So, it popped up this box, saying that it needed to repair itself, and I pressed "Repair" and I waited a few minutes. Afterwords it was fine. Weird, huh? I think that it has a virus. So I'm taking it into the shop tomorrow for a full out check up. I REALLY don't want my lappy to die. Dx

So yea, I'm sitting here in my CP Composition class, supposed to be looking up sites for homosexuality in teenagers coming out to their parents, and I totally just proxied around webwasher. Bwahahahaha. Kinda hard to stay on Deviantart, seeing as my teacher keeps walking around helping people with their works cited page. BAH. I fucking hate CP Comp! Dx

But in other news, I pimped out my rucksack in lesbian buttons. Seeing how long it will take for the principal to expell me. It's a tie between that, and waiting to see how long the Library dude will realize that I'm proxying. Well. 10 mins left. I've done nothing but write in this thing. So I'm pretty sure that I have to leave. Actually do something "Productive" in school.